# Comparing ourselves to others is toxic We start comparing ourselves to others very early on in life. Friends have nicer clothes. They have toys that we don't. They have more friends. They have a bigger house. They have video games we dream of. We feel envy. Schools don't help either. They push us to compare and compete with each other all the time. Classmates have better grades, are better in gym, read faster, etc. So, naturally by the time we become adults, comparing has often become an automatism. My neighbour has a swimming pool and I don't. He has a bigger garden. His grass is greener. Their trees have fruits, ours don't. My friend has a family and kids while I'm lonely. My colleague earns more than I do. He received a promotion and I didn't. His projects succeed and mine fail. When we play the comparison game, it's easy to convince ourselves that... * We are failures * We will never succeed * We are lame * We are ugly * We are stupid * We are poor * We don't have _enough_ * Life is unfair In summary, it's easy to convince ourselves that we *are* not enough and that we *need* more. In reality, the comparison game is incredibly toxic. It's a losers game. You can never win. Its rules are unfair. There will always be someone richer, someone more intelligent, someone more beautiful, someone *above* us. But what we fail to remember when we play the comparison game is that _life is multi-faceted_. When we compare ourselves to others, we generally focus on a single dimension, ignoring many other facets of reality. We may have less money, but maybe we had a more difficult start in life. We may not succeed as much as we'd like at work, but maybe it's because we prioritize family and joy. We may not live the most glamorous life, but maybe it's for the best because we are not under public scrutiny all the time. We may not have the most beautiful face, but maybe our soul shines much brighter. We may not be the most intelligent person on earth, but maybe we have the kindest of hearts. Moreover, we are biased. We distort reality all the time. We only pay attention to what we want, filter out the rest and only have partial information. We often fail to see things for what they are. Our brains are talented at deceiving us. People also frequently distort reality when they tell their own story. They prefer to be positive. These biases combined result in quite a lot of distance between what we think and what _is_. We are overly optimistic about the lives and successes of others, often ignoring all the hard work that they had to do to get where they are today. Truth be told, life is not fair. It is random, fuzzy, chaotic. Yes, some others are better, faster, stronger than you _right now_. Yes, others have unfair advantages over you _right now_. Some have won the genetic lottery, maybe you didn't. Some had wealthy parents to support them, maybe you didn't. Some have a strong network and have leverage, maybe you don't. That's just the way it is, and maybe hard work won't help. You may work harder and still be unable to beat the odds. Hard work isn't the solution for everything. Yes, life is unfair and that's just a fact of life. We have to accept it for what it is. In any case, don't associate your self worth to what you observe. Playing the comparison game with the wrong framing always leads to negative thoughts and toxic behaviors. The comparison game also prevents us from enjoying our wins and celebrating those of others. If we become jealous of our friends/colleagues when they succeed, then we cannot really be there to cheer for them. And it might end up costing us opportunities. If we only think about the next milestone to become as good as X, then we can't be happy about the progress we've just made. The comparison game takes a lot of joy away from us. Happiness, fulfillment and joy come from within. Toxic behaviors induced by envy and misplaced ego can make us miss opportunities, lose friendships and create a vicious circle leading us from bad to worse. It can create envy, shatter our self-confidence and make us feel depressed. As the saying goes, [[Comparison is poison]]. Or as [[Mark Twain]] put it: [[Comparison is the death of joy]]. Happiness, fulfillment and joy come from within. That being said, if you adapt the rules of the comparison game, you can actually turn it into a valuable tool. Instead of looking at the success of others and feeling bad about ourselves, we can instead focus on understanding _how_ and _why_ they succeeded. This can inform us on the steps we could take to also get where they are at a later point in time. Observing others succeed can also be a great source of inspiration and motivation. That is true if and only if we focus on what it might enable us to do in the future rather than on the gap between our current self and what we observe. When framed positively, comparisons become helpful rather than hurtful. Positive comparisons can really help us grow to become better versions of ourselves. Another useful type of comparison is between your past and current self. Observe how you have evolved and how to help your future self become even better. I am awesome. You are awesome. We are all awesome. And unique ❤️